Meddlesome Mommy Matchmakes

Maude Hemphreys was fed up with her son’s bad choices in females. Every other week it seemed Steve brought home a new lady, desperate to fill the hole left by the last to leave him. His preference for women in short skirts and thick makeup had, on more than one occasion, led to involvement with girls of promiscuous occupation, though he realized this only as they broke his heart one by one.

Maude was getting up there in years, and she did not want her death to leave Steve, who himself was no spring chicken at 34, alone with no female to cook and clean for him and produce babies that would care for him in his old age. She had seen commercials for online dating sites, and all of the people in those ads seemed so nice and normal. She knew that Steve could never pick a good woman from the patch of nearly-naked cosmetic nightmares he keep sifting through, so she decided to surreptitiously pick one for him.

Maude was no stranger to the internet. Since her retirement ten years past, she had filled a good portion of her free time Googleing subjects from recipes to Elvis, so making an online dating profile for Steve would be a cinch for her. Playing up his image would be easy, because he had a good job and was moderately attractive and humorous. Maude posted her favorite photo of him from their Halloween party. He had dressed as a nerd, donning a yellow polka-dot bowtie, pocket protector, and thick glasses, but Maude thought it was the most attractive photo of him ever.

Maude had to guess answers for some categories, such as Favorite TV Show. Steve had his own TV in his room, so she didn’t really know what he watched, but she remembered when she had gotten food poisoning and he had stayed close, watching a marathon of “Golden Girls.” He had seemed to really enjoy it, so she typed that into the box.

Finally, she came to the section for describing what he looks for in a companion. Maude began to type: “I desire a neat, clean woman of high moral standards. I prefer a natural look to makeup, and I like modest dressers. I want someone willing to commit and have lots of my children, preferably soon.”

Steve walked in as she typed the last few words and inquired, “What are your plans for tonight, Mom?”

“Just to change the course of our future for the better, dear,” she replied with a smile.

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